2020 was the year of finding, resolving, and correcting communication breakdowns. For me, this past year felt like an emotional roller coaster of emotions that I have been suppressing for years. One thing I’ve learned is that there are no such thing as bad emotions. Emotions are valid and provide us information for what is important to us. It is vital that we allow ourselves to fully feel them and allow our bodies to process our experiences appropriately. This year was a chance for me to catch up with that process. My understanding of myself has improved dramatically, and I have felt I have been given a chance of restitution.

For happiness, we must learn how to take accountability for our own actions in order to build safe and relationships. Learning to set boundaries after years of maladaptive behavior and generational conditioning is hard. A resource that I have found helpful is the Adult Children of Alcoholics. This program provides a 12 step process to individuals who are struggling to grasp their higher power due to parental conditioning growing up. I don’t consider my parents to be alcoholics, but I do recognize the pattern that alcohol has played in my family and cultural history. It is a strong part of our culture. Alcohol prevents the mind from seeing clearly what we are to be grateful for. It makes us lazy and allows us to take things for granted. This year I was able to see that truth and the way that alcohol has affected me from a wide lens angle.

In conjunction with learning about the influence of alcohol in my life, I am also learning to redefine, reset, and relearn important boundaries that make me the person that I am. The key ingredients for anyone to do this is to have faith and to trust in yourself. Searching for truth is not always an easy road. Unfortunately breakdowns in communication occur naturally due to growing pains of life, and, I believe, alcohol can and will exacerbate these issues if you do not drink responsibly. If not handled properly, communication issues can run generations deep. For example, the civil rights movement in America is still grappling with the truth of those roots. Black, Indigenous, and people of Color deserve freedom and equal rights. These generational communication issues are raw. Moving forward, I recognize my whiteness as a piece of my cultural identity and the responsibility associated with my ancestral heritage is a part of the work I am doing in redefining my boundaries and who I am choosing to become. I stand for the truth. I am accountable for my future, and I work hard to reveal truth in order to set us free. It is important for everyone to stand for what we believe in. The truth to uncover generational trauma is worth fighting for. It is not always easy, but it will set us free.

Growing up, I knew myself to be a strong, smart, capable person. I think at one point, it became easier to succumb to societal pressure rather than to fight for my own truth. I am ashamed at myself for this mistake. I realize I was wrong and I am sorry.

My mistake lies in understanding the distinction between fighting my battles versus taking on somebody else’s. I am my own person. I am not here to fight any battles that are not my own. Nobody will ever win that way. Sharing compassion for other people is important to show that you care and you are a true friend, because you understand. This is my own generational trauma that I believe I am unpacking and finally healing. In this is a lot of trauma associated with expectations regarding friendships between the opposite sex as well as power dynamics of skin color and socioeconomic status. I wish I didn’t have to say this was the case. Growing up in a white world, it is unfortunately all too easy to take the route of dependence. I am sorry if I have relied on somebody else to make it in the world. It is hard work being a real person and I want to honor and respect that.

In an effort to reclaim this space for clear thinking, I have built a desk to represent my journey with mental health and having a place to call my own for safe learning and personal growth.

The main surface is a drawer from an antique typeset printer. I bought this from my neighbor in Thomaston, Maine, for $20. Thomaston is a quaint town with huge mansions from the 1800’s. During this time, Thomaston was the richest town in Maine, and two out of the seven millionaires in the world at the time resided here. The famous revolutionary war general, Henry Knox, built a home here and this is where his grave is. The industries that helped build this town are indicative of the time that it was booming- there was shipbuilding, quarrying of limestone and granite, and the state prison which housed up to 900 residents from 1824 until 2002 when it moved to Warren. The Maine State Prison was the inspiration behind Stephen King’s novel, Shawshank Redemption. It also boasts the Maine State Prison Showroom, which sells wooden crafts that prisoners make in the woodshop while in the system. The inmates are given opportunities to learn new skills and are given support services to help them eventually rejoin society. The restorative opportunity that inmates are given here is vastly different from the privatized industry of mass incarceration which feeds off of minority populations for minor crimes. This system is truly a horror. The whole point of prison is meant to guide society to a place that works for everyone. It is meant to teach a person a lesson and help them move on, not to lock them up for life for no reason. This is truly debilitating to the men and women who find themselves impacted by the prison industry but also society at large. The trauma that affects families associated with losing a loved one to the prison industry is immense and has rippling effects. Having a safe place is the first step to improving your life.

I filled the cubbies of the typeset drawer with pictures of places that I have felt safe to explore my intentions. When I look into the desk I hope to be reminded of these places and continue on my journey. My varied interests and passions have helped create the life I lead. There are scenes of nature, of home life, of prayer hands and a quote on a tea bag which I liked: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” - Lao Tzu.

Using the drawer as the typeset printer for my desk is an interesting nod at how the ways of communicating have drastically changed. From the 1800’s, when the primary way to communicate was by snail mail through horse and buggy- to today, where it is easier than ever to reach out to a friend or someone you have never met before on social media. The ways we are connected are incredible. The desk serves to remind me to slow down when I communicate for intention and clarity of mind. In my journey to get here, I have found habits of acting impulsively. Reaching for my phone has become a reaction of fear, created out of loneliness and isolation. Being mindful of this is the first step. I want to communicate with intention, and starting at a desk to clarify my mind is a great place to start.

I am lucky that I have been able to use my time and money to build a desk to restore a sense of justice in my own life. Looking ahead, I know my interests will continue to evolve and I am grateful for this place that I have found to lay the groundwork for positive intent.